When New Year’s Resolutions Become an Uphill Battle

19 Jan When New Year’s Resolutions Become an Uphill Battle

Sometimes life can feel like an uphill battle, right?

You were super motivated to start this new thing, something that you were really looking forward to incorporating into your day and routine. Maybe that was a yoga class twice a week, or journaling every morning, or doing some meditation in the evenings. Maybe it was going for a longer walk in the mornings with your dog before the craziness of the day starts. Or maybe it was implementing a SA program to finally help your dog heal and overcome their fear of being left alone.

And I bet that the first day you did it you felt amazing. It gave you a sense of purpose, and it made you feel like this was the first step of a new chapter. One where you took control of your life for the better.

But after a bit (whatever long that bit was for you) things started to get harder. Maybe giving that first step felt so good that you started by committing to do too much of it, too many hours devoted to it, too many days of the week. And after some time, it started to feel hard to actually get it done. Overwhelming. Or maybe other things came up in your life. Other responsibilities, challenges, things that became a priority over this new habit or adventure that you had tried to start. Or whatever you started reached a point when it became more challenging. Maybe the results didn’t look so motivating anymore.

Let’s play with an example to make the above less abstract. You joined a yoga studio, and the first class was enlightening. You loved it! You felt part of a community, it felt good in your body, and you came out of that first class renewed. So, you committed to go four times a week. Maybe you pulled it off for the first two weeks, but by the beginning of the third one it started to feel overwhelming. Like if there wasn’t enough time in your day to get everything done now that you also had this extra activity. And the poses started to get more challenging. This new task that at first felt rejuvenating transformed into soreness, tiredness, a feeling of not being able to achieve the challenges thrown your way anymore. Maybe something happened in your personal life, and you had to prioritize that time and devote it to something or someone else.

This example isn’t very different than embarking on a separation anxiety protocol. Or embarking in anything new for that matter. Incorporating a new habit into your routine can be a challenge. And in many cases, it won’t be perfect.

Many dog guardians who start implementing a SA program feel super motivated at first. They even ask if they can do more than the daily sessions that we suggest. Maybe more than one session (or mission as we like to call them) a day, or maybe some other homework on the side that might have a positive impact in accelerating the process. Some are reluctant to take days off training at all because they want to do everything that they possibly can to make this faster and more successful. And I don’t blame them! It feels good to start working towards making a positive change in your life. It feels good to take action. But same as with the yoga example, when you are seeking to build a habit, doing too much has a high likelihood of turning everything into an overwhelming task that you hate and don’t seem to be able to fit in your day anymore.

Either you end up realizing that you don’t have time to live a life anymore because you are constantly doing SA training, or you cut hours of sleep to be able to fit all your responsibilities (including SA training) into your day. Or maybe your dog’s response to training becomes less consistent and smooth, or something comes up in your life that requires your full attention. In any case, you struggle to keep up with your daily training commitment, start hating training, and maybe even become more and more angry at your dog for “putting you” in this situation, to then just feel even guiltier for blaming them for something they can’t really control (SA is a phobia, therefore the dog’s stress response to be left alone is involuntary).

So, what can you do cut the cycle and get out of this situation? I’m a lover of habits. Over the years I have grown more aware of how habits can successfully be shaped into our lives, and I have fine-tuned my own little technique to one by one, add more and more new habits into my own life. I personally enjoy the journey of starting new disciplines and practices and observe how they slowly weaved their way around and into the rest of my day, becoming second nature, so ingrained in my daily routine that they feel effortless. So much so that it seems like time has expanded to allow me to do even more than before with my day.

• They shape our routine, behavior, and gains in the long run.
• They provide predictability, and expectation about location and time. Something specific happens always at a certain time of the day and at a certain place. That allows the task at hand to become easier and more natural. Our mind expects it to happen and therefore, our focus increases.
• There is something soothing about doing routinary tasks. They help us ground ourselves, feel a sense of purpose, and of achievement. Their repetitive nature helps free our minds.
• As they become natural and easy to perform, they make us feel like time expanded, allowing us to do more with our day than before.
• They give us the chance to make progress overtime and achieve goals that may have seem unreachable when we started.

WHAT TO DO TO MAKE YOUR SA TRAINING PRACTICE BECOME A HABIT

START SMALL.
Start as small as it’s needed to easily fit your training session within your day. That might mean that your session or mission will need to be a bit shorter than the average 20-30min training session that we advise doing daily (important to notice that this duration increases as the absence duration achieved gets longer). Or maybe it might mean that even if you have reached longer absence durations you will do only one long mission a week, keeping the rest of the days shorter so they can easily fit into your week’s schedule, and are achievable.

FIND YOUR IDEAL FREQUENCY.
Find a training frequency that works for you. We usually suggest taking one to two days off a week, and train five to six days weekly. However, I rather suggest training three times a week consistently for a year, than seven days in a row every three months. Imagine going to the gym one day a month but training three hours straight until you can’t get up anymore. Instead of helping you reach your goals in the long run, this will likely increase the changes of you injuring yourself, it will create a terrible memory of the experience, and it won’t have any long term impact. Perseverance and consistency are much more important than the amount when it comes to achieving goals.

PICK A TIME THAT WORKS FOR YOU.
Maybe there is a time of the day that really works for you. Although we usually suggest varying the time of the day when you train so the dog naturally adapts to you leaving at any time of the day, it is important to consider that it is harder to build habits when you are squeezing them into whatever time you have left in your day. This usually ends up in not doing it at all, or making it feel like a burden. Instead, if you start leaving some time aside at the same time each day for a month and devote that time to your training it will quickly become a habit that will be easier to maintain in the long run, even if you must vary the time of the day in the future.

The three aspects mentioned above can feel challenging from a trainer’s perspective because they carry their own “down-side”. Doing less sessions per week might slow down progress, same as shorter missions. And training at the same time of the day could prompt the dog to anticipating what’s happening. However, those are challenges that are worth navigating and remaining flexible about if they will allow guardians to build a solid foundation in terms of training consistently with their dogs. In my opinion, consistency is far more important in the long run. Not only because the guardian will be on board with helping their dog with less chances of burning out and with a higher motivation to keep going in the long term, but also because habits are an interesting thing. You may start small when you are building them, but as you become accustomed to do such tasks and even start liking them, then increasing the duration and/or frequency you spend doing them, or becoming more flexible about the time of the day you perform them becomes much easier. It doesn’t feel burdensome anymore, and even when things don’t go as expected you are better able to keep doing them even during challenging circumstances.

SET SHORT TERM GOALS.
Instead of thinking about how amazing it would be to leave your dog alone for four hours while you go to a work meeting, start by setting short terms goals in terms of what you can do during your final step absence durations (when you get to the point that you can walk away of course) that feel rewarding to you. Going for a short walk, going to get a coffee even if you must order it online first so picking it up is faster, going to drop something at your neighbor’s house, going to get an ice-cream (or a beer, whatever makes you smile!). These are all things that can make you feel amazing, rewarded, and that can change the lens through which you see your training. It makes training feel real!

GIVE IT A FUN TWIST.
Make it fun for you even during early stages when your absence durations are only seconds, and you are still waiting outside the door. The cool thing about routinary tasks is that they provide structure but also free our mind. When you get the hang of the training mechanics you can start using those seconds outside your door to breath the air outside after a long day having been inside working, to pay attention to the birds signing, to notice the flowers growing outside your door, to do a short breathwork sequence, to journal, to set your intentions and goals for the day, to make a list of all the things you appreciate about your dog and how happy you feel about having the chance to help them work through their fears. There are no limits when it comes to change a task’s tune and we have everything we need to do it. It’s an inside work.

RECHARGE.
Find outlets to recharge. It might not seem connected to training but finding happiness in your day, and taking care of yourself will give you the strength and motivation you need to go on with tasks that might feel less fun.

SET A PLAN THAT WORKS IN THE LONG RUN.
Plan a routine that supports training in the long run. Finding someone who can help you suspend absences only for a month because your hope is that by then your dog will have overcome SA is not only unrealistic, but it can become the reason why then you feel like you can’t keep up with it. Realistic expectation and a way of living that will support it will prevent you from feeling disappointed and will help you keep going. When we start learning a new language, or a new discipline we expect it to take a while. We know that we may be talking about years because big changes usually don’t just happen. They brew in the dark.

FIND LESSONS IN THE SMALLEST TASKS. 
When overwhelmed by this long process it can be easy to start feeling bitter about it (believe me… I have been there!) and begin letting in thoughts about this task being beneath us. But any task, including the smallest one can teach us something if we stay open. Embracing the journey and what it can teach us both within the SA training journey and outside of it (there is always the chance to extrapolate lessons from one area of our lives into another) will provide a sense of peace that will help keep the spirits up when things get rough.

PERFECTION IS A FOUR LETTER WORD. 
Do not strive for perfection. It’s ok if you missed a day. There is no shame on failing to do what you had committed to. Don’t let guilt drown you, and instead move on and give it a try again. There is no worst enemy than to stop trying because it didn’t go as you had planned. You fell off the wagon, so what? We all do. And it’s ok. You are already winning by showing up again, and by continue to try.

I started my yoga journey 11 years ago. I could tell you it was a smooth ride, but I would be lying. It took me five years to make it a real habit. Before that I kept trying and falling off the wagon. My biggest mistake was that I kept trying to squeeze it in whatever space was left of my day and when that time came, I was just too tired to do it. It wasn’t until I decided to create a structure and start small that things started to align. I decided to do only 20 minutes every morning after walking my dog and before taking a shower to start my workday. 20 minutes isn’t much, but it allowed me to get it done without even thinking about it. Over time it became like brushing my teeth, and a bit later down the road I started “needing it”. My day felt weird if I skipped it, and my body craved longer sessions. At that point making adjustment was easier because the habit had already been set. Nowadays I practice almost every day for an hour or more, and even though I have shifted the time of the day I do it, that doesn’t affect my commitment to it anymore, because it’s so ingrained in my day that time has expanded around it. But it took time! And it wasn’t perfect. But I got here. You can do the same and you will get there with your dog if you keep going.

As a trainer, something that I have found helpful when supporting my clients throughout this process is to constantly share my thoughts, theories, mistakes, solutions, ideas, and strategies with them. Making them part of the process as part of a team not only keeps their spirits up but also allows them to set realistic expectation. Moreover, they learn how intricate the process is, they empathize better with their dogs, and they realize how big small successes actually are, and how setbacks make so much more sense. Witnessing what’s happening in the backstage of training helps them become their dog’s best advocate and a forever member of your team in this journey of healing their dog.

• Take a moment to regroup. Make a list of the things that you feel made it hard to keep going the first time around and see which of those things you can change this time. Think about your strategy and find an adjustment that feels doable to resume and to do it in the long term.
• Don’t be afraid of having lost all the progress you once made. Of things don’t working well this time. Of making it worse once you start training again because your dog isn’t used to it anymore. You won’t lose more than if you don’t try. But you will get somewhere if you do. Wherever that is.
• Start small to find your dog’s current baseline and take it from there. Ask for your vet’s support to adjust or begin with meds if needed so you can count with some extra support. Meds can support not only your dog throughout this journey, but they can also help ease the process and making it a bit easier on you, which can help keeping your commitment and motivation in the process.
• Follow the steps above so you can set yourself and your dog up for success.