28 Aug How long it is going to take? When timelines don’t meet your expectations
Last year I learned that pulling yourself up was a marker of strength and overall health. It seemed so easy when I saw other people at the gym doing them that I thought: “well, of course I can do that”. Next thing I know, I am at the gym and after a few minutes of working through my head’s embarrassment of getting out of my comfort zone and trying it in public I went ahead and gave it a try. And guess what happened? Nothing (lol). I was hanging from the bar and couldn’t even start bending my elbows to lift myself up, no matter how much I was actually trying.
I love trying a variety of physical disciplines and physical activity in general. I have found that learning to move your body in different ways is quite humbling. No matter what you try, you won’t be able to get too cocky about it because the discipline you are practicing will soon take care of setting your humility levels back into place. I appreciate that, because it provides perspective and it motivates you to work hard for your goals and to value the process.
So this year, I decided I was going to learn to do pull-ups. For the ones of you who can’t wait to jump to the end of the story, I did it! I can now do two unassisted pull-ups in a row. Two!? You might ask? That doesn’t sound like much. Believe me, it is. Or at least that’s how it feels when I do them. But if you can do one, then you can do two, and soon enough it will translate into four, and before you know it you will have achieved your goals.
Most importantly though, what I learned throughout the process was far more valuable. I learned that the journey matters, that some parts of the journey may not seem connected to your final goal but they are. I learned that the best way to approach a challenge is by throwing timelines out the window, that timelines only bring frustration, guilt, and pain. I learned that by understanding the process you develop empathy, and appreciation for what your body is doing, for your efforts. I learned that the biggest lessons come on the days you don’t want to do it but go and do it anyway. Fortitude is brewed on the days that suck, and fortitude is the best friend of progress and success. I learned that we all have bad days. What we do with them is what makes the difference. Perseverance and holding space for bad days will allow integration to happen. By allowing ourselves to be afraid, embarrassed, hopeless, and do it anyway we plant a seed of something far greater: the knowledge that no matter how hard it gets, we will get there.
How does this relate to SA dogs? In more ways than I can cover today. Healing from SA is a journey. It’s hard and without clear timelines. It’s a process in which someone (the dog) slowly starts developing tools to sooth themselves as well as the knowledge that they will be ok. That there is no reason to fear. At first, you might think it is something “easy and fast to fix” until you try, like I did with my pull-ups last year, and realize it was far harder than you thought. It’s not a linear process either, there are a lot of bad days intertwined with the good ones.
As dog guardians, to support our dogs effectively throughout this journey we have to learn and practice a few things ourselves, as well as developing a deep understanding of what is actually going on for our dogs. Understanding is freedom from the cage of our mind. The more we understand the why, the pain underneath our dogs’ behaviors, the struggles, we will develop more empathy and compassion for what they are going through. The cool thing about empathy and compassion is that they automatically erase the thought that a timeline is the main reason why we are doing this, and that dogs should work around our schedule instead of the other way around.
What traits can we cultivate and water as dog guardians that can help us succeed?
CONSISTENCY:
Like the story of the tortoise and the hare, naturally being good at something is far less important than working consistently on developing a skill. Big achievements occur seldom by chance. Most of the time they happen because there was hard work involved, day to day, when nobody was watching. Perseverance isn’t fashionable nor glamorous, yet it’s key to get where you want to go. Progress happens in the mundane daily choices we make, in the habits we cultivate. Working consistently with your SA dog will build a foundation, data that will help you determine what works and what doesn’t, and will allow you to tweak what isn’t beneficial, ultimately providing progress.
FORTITUDE:
Forever intertwined to consistency there is fortitude. It’s easy to be consistent when everything is working, when our world is going well, when everything is aligned. It gets harder to stay consistent though when life gets rough, when nothing seems to work, when timelines and expectations start haunting us, when fear of never getting there starts spreading. Fortitude allows us to keep doing it anyway. To hear the voice of fear without letting it control us. To trust that one way or the other it will be ok. Fortitude is really about faith. And it’s about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s not an easy trait to develop, but once the seed of it is planted it spreads like peppermint in a garden. It gets easier, and it’s self-reinforcing.
QUALITY VERSUS QUANTITY:
When we are met with the fear of timelines and the recognition that we should have started to work on this a long time ago and didn’t (and the guilt that comes along with it), we are tempted to do more to make up for it. The thought process is, if I train with my dog three times a day instead of just one, every day of the week I may get there faster. Unfortunately, that’s the exact recipe for burnout on both ends, the dog who is trying to conquer their fears and the human who is working without breaks.
If I had taken that approach when I started working on my pull-ups I would have likely injured myself, which would have delayed progress even more, not to talk about burning out mentally, losing my motivation due to not getting there fast enough, and turning my pull-up challenge into something aversive rather than fun to do and think about.
More isn’t necessarily better. Smart is better. Quality is better. Consistency is better. Doing more won’t get you there faster. Integration needs to happen which feeds from consistent work and breaks.
FOCUSING ON THE PROCESS RATHER THAN TIMELINES:
I have the most amazing clients. Most of the clients I have worked with over the years have filled my heart and taught me so much. Most of them are naturals and they just get it. It’s a pleasure to work and root for them and their dogs. It’s an honor to be on their team.
What’s common for most of those dog guardians is that they aren’t focused on the final absence duration that they want to achieve and when that’s going to happen, but rather on the process. They don’t let themselves to be blinded by “these amount of months of work should have us leaving our dog for x amount of time”. Instead, they choose to put that in the back of their minds and focus on the day to day. On what they can do today to eventually get there. On finding ways that what they are doing is sustainable in the long term so they can continue to do it for as long as the dog needs.
When you let your “results-mind” take over, and you start thinking about SA training as how much duration you have to achieve each month to be able to leave your dog alone for eight hours at the end of the year, then you lose sight of empathy. Your mind forgets that the work you are doing is because your dog is struggling and that the key to help is to hold space for healing to happen.
SEEING THE BIG PICTURE:
SA is a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard for the dog and also for the guardians who are witnessing it. It’s very easy to get caught in this deep dark hole in which everything seems absolute, where it feels this will last forever. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed to the point of feeling afraid that your life will be like this forever. To feel hopeless.
It won’t though. It will get better. It will pass. By thinking about what you’re going through as a specific event in the timeline of your dog’s life and yours you may realize how much more there is on the other side. If it takes one year, two years, three years to heal, then how many more years you will have in which your dog will live a SA free life while you are able to live your life while leaving them alone? And even if your dog is older when you started, how fulfilling will it be to know that your dog has felt safe for the last years of their life? Most importantly, how satisfying will it be to know that you got there, that you did it, that your dog is safe and that what seemed an eternity at some point, truly wasn’t. That if your future self could send a message to your past self they will tell you it was worth it.
When you understand these aspects, empathy comes naturally. And with empathy, compassion is cultivated. Compassion dissolves timelines and switches the focus to quality, day to day support. It expands our hearts and patience to navigate hardship, and it’s the key ingredient in the recipe to success.
As dog trainers, how can we help dog guardians cultivate these traits?
KNOWLEDGE IS WISDOM, TRANSPARENCY IS HUMBLING
When knowledge is shared we become a team. When someone understands the why, the variables, the questions that we still have as professionals, the strategies we have in mind to find the answers, they become our allies. As trainers, we might stop looking like the person who knows it all and can solve all of their problems, but we become something far better: someone who may not know but is committed to figure it out. Someone who doesn’t have all the answers but will go all the way to get them. Someone who will brain storm, who will try and who will be honest and transparent at sharing those answers. I would personally rather have that someone in my team than someone who has all the answers.
PROVIDING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
With transparency, realistic expectations can easily be set. There is little to no room for misunderstandings when we share what we see and think on a regular basis, as well as our theories and strategies to address challenges.
GIVING EXAMPLES:
Using real life examples like the one I shared with you today about my pull-ups is an effective way to continue to revisit expectations and to remind dog guardians about their dogs’ struggles.
Whether we use examples of activities or hobbies that those guardians feel connected to, or the disciplines or activities we are familiar with and enjoy, real learning experiences can easily bring us back to our empathy and compassion.
As we remember the bottom line, the why, we let go of the timeline expectation, over and over as many times as it’s needed so we can fuel ourselves and keep going. This isn’t a one time realization that sticks with you. It’s a constant revisiting of why you are making this decision today and everyday, of why it’s important, of why it’s worth it. Of the bigger picture, of how far more important it is to focus on the process than on the outcome.
COMING TO PEACE WITH WHAT IS:
There is a time to grief and a time to do something about it. Both are equally important and as dog trainers it is our job to hold space for both. And although there aren’t timeline for that either, lingering on the disappointment of what we wanted and we didn’t get (adopting a dog who could be left alone without any issues from day one) won’t get us anywhere. Understanding that we are in control of the outcome, that we can do something to change the narrative, to change destiny is empowering and will only happen when we come to peace with what is. This is what life threw at us, and if it did it might be that it’s because we are ready and are strong enough to face it.
Optimism, pragmatic strategies and solutions blended with listening from the heart when needed can allow us to help guardians to take that step, to take control over this challenge and to get there.
As dog trainers, there is a time when we must come to peace with what is too. Some guardians will be able to easily cultivate all of these traits, and for others they just won’t be ready. No matter how much we try to explain, to share, to pour all of the emotional energy we got to help them, they won’t get it. And that’s ok. Everybody is on a journey and there is a reason for it. It can be heartbreaking when we know that if they only got it we could help. But that’s not our place. When they are ready they will get there. In the meantime, the best we can do is to pour our love and dedication where we can make a difference. That’s more than enough. And when you lose sight of how much difference you are making in this world, remind yourself that saving one dog and their family may not have impacted the whole world, but it definitely changed their world.